I hadn’t planned on posting today, but I’ve had a week where the resentful monster (towards diabetes) decided to pay me a visit and I wanted to talk about it. Normally when I start to have these feelings, I stuff them deep down and try to move on. However, in light of starting this new blog, I decided that these are exactly the kinds of experiences that I want to share with you, because I know I am not alone. Maybe by sharing my own experiences I can show other people that they are not alone either.
This week my two boys attended Vacation Bible School at our church. Our church does an absolutely amazing job putting on VBS every year and it always proves to be a super fun week! I know this may sound very strange, but it was here that the resentful monster found me this week. I’ve found that he seems to find me at the most unusual of places.
Carson knows how to check his blood sugar on his own, but he doesn’t yet know how to operate his pump. So every year either my husband or I stay with his group and oversee snack and diabetes management in general. Neither of us mind doing this…truly. But I have to admit, in these types of settings I tend to get really resentful toward diabetes. It is often during these occasions that I look around and just wish like crazy that he could have a “normal” VBS experience…without mom or dad always shadowing him.
This type of scenario is certainly not just unique to VBS, but this is what you would find any time he goes to a birthday party, field trip, etc. I know there will be a day when he is able to go to these events on his own, as he will fully be in charge of his diabetes management, but it really isn’t just about that. It’s about desperately wanting him to be able to experience these things without worrying about where his blood sugar is at, without having to worry about what the snack is, if he’ll be able to have it, or answering curious kids questions when they ask what “that” is hooked onto his pants.
Fortunately, Carson is much more resilient than me and I can honestly tell you that he doesn’t question any of these things. Mom or dad lurking around, waiting for a meter to tell him if he can participate in snack, and curious eyes are all he has ever known. To him that is “normal”. Which makes me even more resentful.
Before I let myself spiral too far out of control, I try to center myself and look for all of the positive and encouraging tidbits. Like the fact that on day 1 the youth leader approached me before I even had a chance to inquire and told me what snacks they would be having every day and that there would be sugar-free options with most. Then there was also the interaction I had with a church member who a couple of years ago made Carson a case for his insulin pump, just out of the goodness of her heart. And obviously the best part of all was that my boys had a total blast at VBS!
I know that should all be enough- having an awesome support system and happy kids, but even so I still just long for the day that he can be free of this disease and the burdens it brings.
When does the resentful monster rear his ugly head most with you?